Grief is a journey. And everyone’s is different.
January is always a tough time of year. It is suppose to be a time for new beginnings, changes, inspiration, and motivation. But instead with this month comes the reminder of what my family lost.
10 years. So long ago. Something about seeing double digits makes it harder. It doesn’t feel that long ago. Time has escaped me. 10 years ago yesterday was the last day I would ever talk to him. Hear his voice. See his smile. Have my big brother protecting me. 10 years ago today was the last day that my family saw him alive. January 24, 2008 is unfortunately a day that we will never forget. Who knew that at the age of 21 Cole would be taken from this earth? No one but God.
After the two big losses my family experienced within 3 short months of one another, I didn’t know what to think. After my brother-in-law, Paul passed away I recommitted my life to Christ and started to make my faith even more of a priority. But after Cole passed away, I struggled. I spent many years angry with God and did not even want to pray or talk to Him. I wrestled with my faith and who God was to me compared to who He was to other people, but eventually came to take a hold of my faith as my own and leaned into Him more. There was a turning point when God made it undoubtedly clear to me how much He truly loved me, and I finally believed it.
Just like many others who experience loss, the questions of “why” make you wonder if God really does know what He is doing. Life seems torn apart, the world around appears cloudy, time passes in a blur, feeling numb and feeling pain take turns, tears come and go, guilt sneaks in as all of the “what-ifs” run through my mind, but the “what-ifs” were slowly killing me inside. Letting go of what happened and accepting what is, is where healing can begin.
God met me where I was and helped me every step of the way to get to where I am today. Not that it was easy or ever will be, but He is with me no matter what I face or how I feel. Even though my grief is not as intense as it was when Cole first passed away, there are still times when it becomes more apparent in my life, such as days like today. Recently I have almost felt paralyzed as the dreadful anticipation of this date neared. Loss of motivation, feeling down, keeping to myself more, and going through the motions. And once again my family and I will face tomorrow, make it through the day and it too will pass, just like every other year this date comes up on the calendar since he was called home.
Grief allows you to feel, and not feel, all at the same time. But grief is a reminder that you cared, that you loved, that the person you lost mattered. Missing someone means that you notice the impact that person made on your life. I am grateful for the years we got with him, but will always wish it could’ve been longer.
As we left the cemetery the day of Coles funeral, an eagle flew right up and over our car and ever since, the verse from Isaiah has held meaning for my family.
Isaiah 40:31 but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Looking back there are so many stories and so many life lessons that have happened through our loss. Family and friends sat with us, prayed with us, listened to us, talked with us, and helped us make it through some of the difficult days. God showed up with his undeniable love, comforted us with His peace, and gave us His truth and promises to stand upon. He has given us signs that Cole is always with us. For this I am eternally grateful.
I will end with a poem that I had written along this grief journey:
Today’s date is forever etched in my memory, as it marks the day you were taken away from me. Your life here on earth we all thought was too brief, but God called you to heaven to spend eternity. Cherished are your precious memories, and forever in my heart you’ll stay, as I still think of you each passing day. So thankful I am to be called your sister, for none other love is like a brother’s – especially your love because you cared so much, and for the time we were given I am so blessed. Let the tears fall as they may, as we remember you today. To our Heavenly Father we will pray, for peace and comfort until we see your beautiful smile again one day. There are no words that can truly express, how so very much you are loved and how deeply you are missed…..Remembering Cole.
~HJ