My Darkness

My story is one that is hard. I shy away from telling it at times because I fear that others may feel somehow their own story doesn’t measure up to the darkness of my own. However, we all face our own version of the darkness and we have to find a way to battle through or it can overcome us and cause us to lose hope. Each of our stories matter. Telling our stories takes courage and God is present to each ache we feel.

My darkness came in the form of death. On October 9, 2007, I was delivered the news that my husband of over 3 years and my 5 ½ month old daughter’s father was gone. The way I received this news was what helped give me hope for the days to come and more death and darkness. As I sat in an Intensive Care unit’s nurse break room with my mother and father-in-law, my mother-in-law shared she just prayed to see an angel. In the moments that followed I had a conversation with God. You may be thinking, “Ok, now I know she’s crazy and why should I keep reading?” however, if nothing else maybe out of curiosity you will…

God told me, “I’m going to take my child now.” I could sense His presence above and in front of me and Paul’s spirit behind him. I replied with, “Ok.” But when I realized what I’d said, I replied with, “No, I want him back.” The Father simply said, “I will take care of you.” And He and Paul’s spirit were gone. Seconds later, a medical professional walked into the room to tell us that Paul was gone. I remember making my way to the waiting room where so many friends and family members were there waiting. I dropped to my knees proclaiming my status as a widow at the age of 25. These days were hard and so lonely. I had to choose to continue to push through even when I didn’t want to because my daughter needed me. To make the journey and darkness deeper, my brother, Cole Juhnke, died unexpectedly of hypothermia on January 24, 2008.

Our extended family has recently endured another blow of untimely death. My cousin, Kimberly Juhnke died suddenly leaving behind her 2-year-old son, Jack, parents, brother, nice, nephew and boyfriend. My heart aches again with the depth of loss I once felt so acutely. Now I feel it for the loss of my own that I recall, but also for the dark path I know they too will have to trudge. I have shared with them that I wish there is something I could say to make it easier, but the reality is the only message I can offer to bring comfort is that they are not alone. They don’t have to trudge this path without other loved ones who know the ups and downs and deep pain that comes with the journey. We don’t get to alleviate them from this painful journey, but we can share the hope that, in time, the pain will not be as intense as frequently. As we are charged with facing these dark places within, we can hold onto the hope that comes from those who have gone before. We can live with the hope of a heavenly Father who can walk alongside us, unaltered by our circumstances.  Whatever you may be facing-know you are not alone.

~MM