Month: August 2018

Today’s blog post is by guest blogger, Kerry Koerselman. Kerry is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Sioux Falls Psychological in Sioux Falls, SD. She works with adults and couples and her areas of specialty include: relationship issues, midlife issues, trauma, spiritual issues as well as anxiety and depression. Kerry graduated from the University of South Dakota in 2001 with a Masters degree in counseling psychology and received a Graduate Certificate of Theological Studies from Sioux Falls Seminary in 2016.

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“There is no amount of self-care in isolation that can replace the power of belonging and connection.”

 –Jane Clapp

We live in times of growing disconnection, but we were created to be in relationship.  How can we brave connecting with others without being damaged by the connection?  Boundaries are key to this.  Jane Clapp proposes that you can think of having a boundary as similar to being a good neighbor.  In order to enjoy and feel at peace in a relationship with a neighbor, you need to create a situation that allows you to feel okay.  For some neighbors this might mean you need no fence between your properties, and you talk freely to them throughout the day.  For other neighbors, you may need a small hedge to give each of you a clear delineation of your property and to make interactions less frequent.  As for other neighbors, you may need a tall privacy fence.  You can enjoy limited conversations with these folks when they are kept more separate from you.  And finally, there may be neighbors you need to move away from and never see again.   The goal however, is to not be stopped from coming out of your house and experiencing relationship with the people around you.  It is important to find a way to be in relationship and to feel safe to be authentic at the same time.

Some steps to setting healthy boundaries:

1-Tune into your inner gut feeling of yes or no.  Begin to look inward.  When you are interacting with someone or are asked for something, take a moment to check in with yourself.  Do you feel tension within yourself? Be completely honest with yourself about when there is a “no”.

2-Prepare yourself for other’s reactions to your “no”.  Other people might be hurt or confused at first when you set a boundary.  Remind yourself that building the fence can allow you to enjoy your relationship with that person and be yourself in that relationship.

3-Prepare yourself for your own reaction.  We are socially reinforced for trying to be “good” and avoid conflict.  Feelings of guilt and concerns about being selfish often pop up when we are new to setting boundaries.  Remind yourself it is better to be authentic in a relationship than to be perceived as “good” and feel disconnected from people.

Setting boundaries can be especially hard with family and in small communities.  These relationships are often life long and the stakes on being perceived in a certain way feel high.  It takes strength and bravery to step out and be authentic even when it ruffles feathers, but doing so can result in feeling more connected and real in one’s own life.  If you would like help working on being connected and having boundaries, a therapist can be a helpful resource.

~KK

“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” -Antonine de Saint-Exupery

An alcoholic who’s lost everything… the abused… the divorced… the abandoned… the moral failure… the scarred…

There are several forms of brokenness all around us, as well as within. As we move through the world, our eyes can quickly follow our fleshly thoughts to make judgments about those we come into contact with each day or perhaps for the first time.

As we evaluate another person’s circumstances we may cling tightly to how we have somehow done “better” through our own choosing, or perhaps how “lucky” we were because we weren’t born into a less desirable circumstance or that we didn’t experience a certain traumatic event… It is tempting to follow the prompting of our ego to gain distance from the “undesirables”: whether that means circumstances or others who can’t hide their brokenness and can’t seem to find their way back to that “accepted” place.

What may be profound, is that the very connection to what we most long to avoid can awaken a new part of us. If we risk moving closer to who/what we fear, we may discover instead of being consumed by these unwanted trait, that we instead find our way to more love and acceptance.  We may be surprised how easily we can fall in love/care/concern with a person we initially wanted to reject, just because we had the courage to be close and listen with our hearts and be present. We may be surprised as well how their brokenness and story may not be so different from our own after all. Perhaps by loving them in a new way we can also expand this to love ourselves in a new way as well. It can be refreshing to let go of judgment and just be with another and even with our own imperfections.

When we dare to let go of our judgments and insecurities and offer love without fear, we can begin to see with our hearts.

~MM

Today’s blog post is by guest blogger, Kerry Koerselman. Kerry is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Sioux Falls Psychological in Sioux Falls, SD. She works with adults and couples and her areas of specialty include: relationship issues, midlife issues, trauma, spiritual issues as well as anxiety and depression. Kerry graduated from the University of South Dakota in 2001 with a Masters degree in counseling psychology and received a Graduate Certificate of Theological Studies from Sioux Falls Seminary in 2016.

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“…our capacity to destroy one another is matched by our capacity to heal one another. Restoring relationships and community is central to restoring well-being” 

–Bessel van der Kolk

Sitting with people, getting to walk alongside them as they explore their struggles, I feel potently what van der Kolk says in this quote.  I hear the pain people cause each other, and I get to witness the healing that comes from connecting with someone, feeling heard and stepping into the risk of being open with one’s heart.

More and more I think that the bravest thing we can all do as human beings is to connect with those around us—to risk loving them.  I ask myself, how can I further surrender to the love that is all around me?  This includes love of creation—the earth, the animals, the plants and trees, the sky, and the air.   It includes systems around me—my family, my community, my workplace, my spiritual community, my country, the whole of humanity.  And it includes the individual people in my world—my partner, my children, my parents, my extended family, my coworkers,  my friends and myself.

How can I be loving toward myself?  Having a generous and gentle way with one’s own self is key to being able to love others.  Accepting yourself as human and remembering that all humans make mistakes is important.  If we can be okay with our own perceived failings and mistakes, we can be okay when others also make mistakes and have human flaws. 

Taking responsibility for one’s actions actually becomes easier when we are gentle with ourselves.  We say—“I should not have made that choice, but I see it now and next time I am going to work to do it differently”.  We embrace our struggles so that we can face them more fully.  It is good to remember that people are complicated creatures.  We have the capacity to destroy out of fear and to heal out of love—each of us has our own unique fingerprint of pain and strength.

It is a brave and beautiful thing to risk this depth of love.  It feels out of control and like it might overwhelm you.  This love grows a person and expands their awareness of how everything is connected.  It says we are all one.  It breaks down the illusion that we are independent and alone.  As we see this connectedness, we grow.  Our awareness expands, and little by little we find more peace.

Maybe you feel that you would like to be more connected with the love that is around you.  The therapists at River Counseling and Sioux Falls Psychological Services can walk with you personally, with your relationship, or with your family as you explore what that might look like for you.

~KK