Today’s blog post is by guest blogger, Kerry Koerselman. Kerry is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Sioux Falls Psychological in Sioux Falls, SD. She works with adults and couples and her areas of specialty include: relationship issues, midlife issues, trauma, spiritual issues as well as anxiety and depression. Kerry graduated from the University of South Dakota in 2001 with a Masters degree in counseling psychology and received a Graduate Certificate of Theological Studies from Sioux Falls Seminary in 2016.
“There is no amount of self-care in isolation that can replace the power of belonging and connection.”
–Jane Clapp
We live in times of growing disconnection, but we were created to be in relationship. How can we brave connecting with others without being damaged by the connection? Boundaries are key to this. Jane Clapp proposes that you can think of having a boundary as similar to being a good neighbor. In order to enjoy and feel at peace in a relationship with a neighbor, you need to create a situation that allows you to feel okay. For some neighbors this might mean you need no fence between your properties, and you talk freely to them throughout the day. For other neighbors, you may need a small hedge to give each of you a clear delineation of your property and to make interactions less frequent. As for other neighbors, you may need a tall privacy fence. You can enjoy limited conversations with these folks when they are kept more separate from you. And finally, there may be neighbors you need to move away from and never see again. The goal however, is to not be stopped from coming out of your house and experiencing relationship with the people around you. It is important to find a way to be in relationship and to feel safe to be authentic at the same time.
Some steps to setting healthy boundaries:
1-Tune into your inner gut feeling of yes or no. Begin to look inward. When you are interacting with someone or are asked for something, take a moment to check in with yourself. Do you feel tension within yourself? Be completely honest with yourself about when there is a “no”.
2-Prepare yourself for other’s reactions to your “no”. Other people might be hurt or confused at first when you set a boundary. Remind yourself that building the fence can allow you to enjoy your relationship with that person and be yourself in that relationship.
3-Prepare yourself for your own reaction. We are socially reinforced for trying to be “good” and avoid conflict. Feelings of guilt and concerns about being selfish often pop up when we are new to setting boundaries. Remind yourself it is better to be authentic in a relationship than to be perceived as “good” and feel disconnected from people.
Setting boundaries can be especially hard with family and in small communities. These relationships are often life long and the stakes on being perceived in a certain way feel high. It takes strength and bravery to step out and be authentic even when it ruffles feathers, but doing so can result in feeling more connected and real in one’s own life. If you would like help working on being connected and having boundaries, a therapist can be a helpful resource.
~KK
