Author: fullyloved

 

As some of you may have known, today was the original date that I had scheduled for my labrum repair surgery and then a few short days later I was scheduled to have my second surgery, the periacetabular hip osteotomy. Last fall I found out that I have hip dysplasia in both hips and a torn labrum in my right hip. Doctors told me I would need a hip replacement within the next 10 years, or I could elect to do these surgeries in order to postpone the hip replacement even longer. I experience at least some pain daily and they said it will continue to get worse with time, so I elected to do surgery as soon as I could get in. But last month I decided to push it back a few weeks, to the end of June. After surgery I will likely be on crutches for 12 weeks, and the entire recovery process is around 9 months long. And around 1/4 of patients like me end up having to do the same surgery on the other side, going through the process all over again.

Recently, my sister sent me a message that she has never seen so many things about healing, and how interesting it was that healing was being brought to her attention. She then proceeded to tell me that she believes God is going to heal me. When I first read that I actually laughed a little because I didn’t believe that could actually happen to me. The more we discussed it, the more I was starting to believe it could be possible. She told me that she felt like it would be through someone I am connected to, or through the prayers of many. She took action and started reaching out to people she knew, asking them for their prayers. She also mentioned how strange it was to be feeling this way, since she feels like it can be more challenging for her to pray those big prayers ever since God took her first husband away, even when there were so many people praying for him to be healed.

I have heard stories of other people being healed, but when I think about my own life, it is hard to fathom that happening. I have my doubts. But why would God choose to heal me? There are so many other people suffering from ailments, so why would God heal me instead of someone else that needs it or deserves it more than me? I feel like Peter when he stepped out of the boat and started walking on water towards Jesus, and when he became afraid, he started to sink. After Peter cried out to Jesus, He reached out to him and caught him. Jesus asked Peter, “you of little faith, why would you doubt?” I have asked God to remove the doubts in my mind, and to help me fully trust in Him. I do believe that God can heal me, but how He decides to do so, is for Him to know, and for me to discover. Whatever I go through, whatever God has planned for me, it will become a part of my story and have the possibility to impact someone else. No matter how my healing comes, whether it be through prayer before surgery even happens, or whether it be through the surgeon’s hands and the recovery process, God will receive the glory with the outcome. I have been reminded many times the last few weeks that God is able. I also read somewhere that with every prayer, something happens. So I will continue to pray, and I will continue to ask for prayers for healing.

Every prayer matters.

For anyone else praying for healing, this prayer was at the end of a devotional I read:
“Jesus, I thank you that you have both the power and authority to heal my body. I boldly come to you today to ask for your grace and healing power to be at work in my body. I trust that you are powerful and looking for an opportunity to show your power in my body.
Cause this sickness to leave my body in Jesus’ name. I break the power of stress and trauma and release your peace. I speak to every part of my body and say, “Be whole in Jesus’ name.” Function properly – the way God designed you to function.
Jesus, send your word and heal me today. You paid the price for my healing, so I trust that you are at work in me. Holy Spirit, fill every part of me with your supernatural presence. Drive out all that is not good, holy, and true. I receive the healing you have for me today, in Jesus’ name, Amen.”

~HJ

My story is one that is hard. I shy away from telling it at times because I fear that others may feel somehow their own story doesn’t measure up to the darkness of my own. However, we all face our own version of the darkness and we have to find a way to battle through or it can overcome us and cause us to lose hope. Each of our stories matter. Telling our stories takes courage and God is present to each ache we feel.

My darkness came in the form of death. On October 9, 2007, I was delivered the news that my husband of over 3 years and my 5 ½ month old daughter’s father was gone. The way I received this news was what helped give me hope for the days to come and more death and darkness. As I sat in an Intensive Care unit’s nurse break room with my mother and father-in-law, my mother-in-law shared she just prayed to see an angel. In the moments that followed I had a conversation with God. You may be thinking, “Ok, now I know she’s crazy and why should I keep reading?” however, if nothing else maybe out of curiosity you will…

God told me, “I’m going to take my child now.” I could sense His presence above and in front of me and Paul’s spirit behind him. I replied with, “Ok.” But when I realized what I’d said, I replied with, “No, I want him back.” The Father simply said, “I will take care of you.” And He and Paul’s spirit were gone. Seconds later, a medical professional walked into the room to tell us that Paul was gone. I remember making my way to the waiting room where so many friends and family members were there waiting. I dropped to my knees proclaiming my status as a widow at the age of 25. These days were hard and so lonely. I had to choose to continue to push through even when I didn’t want to because my daughter needed me. To make the journey and darkness deeper, my brother, Cole Juhnke, died unexpectedly of hypothermia on January 24, 2008.

Our extended family has recently endured another blow of untimely death. My cousin, Kimberly Juhnke died suddenly leaving behind her 2-year-old son, Jack, parents, brother, nice, nephew and boyfriend. My heart aches again with the depth of loss I once felt so acutely. Now I feel it for the loss of my own that I recall, but also for the dark path I know they too will have to trudge. I have shared with them that I wish there is something I could say to make it easier, but the reality is the only message I can offer to bring comfort is that they are not alone. They don’t have to trudge this path without other loved ones who know the ups and downs and deep pain that comes with the journey. We don’t get to alleviate them from this painful journey, but we can share the hope that, in time, the pain will not be as intense as frequently. As we are charged with facing these dark places within, we can hold onto the hope that comes from those who have gone before. We can live with the hope of a heavenly Father who can walk alongside us, unaltered by our circumstances.  Whatever you may be facing-know you are not alone.

~MM

Fog hinders our ability to see clearly in the natural world. When this physical trait in our environment impacts seeing our physical surroundings, we can get frustrated with all we know is there, but just not in sight at the time.

Just like fog hinders our view of our physical world, we may also encounter circumstances in life that can have the same blinding effect on our ability to see ourselves and our surroundings. When we face something that challenges our intrinsic value and worth, it can impact our ability to see good within or around us.

Exploring how to lift the fog in our personal worlds takes courage. Just taking time to acknowledge the challenges that have us questioning our worth can allow for some clarity. Knowing, “What happened that invited me into this place of confusion?” can bring a new perspective in the “fog.” When we can validate our struggle, we may also be drawn into a place of being able to remember the truth from the view we had prior to entering into this confusing place.

Or perhaps these foggy times have us pushing forward to discover a deeper sense of truth. When our old coping skills aren’t working in a new challenge, we may have an opportunity to reject the invitation to anchor our worth in “I am what I do, I am what I have, I am what others say about me” and instead beginning to understand new truth of who we are at our core.

You are the Beloved Child of God. Your worth is innate. You were knit together in your mother’s womb and there is a purpose for your life. If you are in the middle of a challenging time of life, you may find comfort in seeking out God’s word truth in the Bible, seeking out people who can reflect your worth to you, and allowing the pain to refine and “redefine” who you are. The pain and the process of walking through it can bring us to a new depth and stability.

~MM

Caitlin grew up as a listener and observer learning much from those around her. Finding herself interested in psychology from the moment she had the opportunity to take her first class, she went on to major in psychology and receive a Bachelor of Science degree. Following that endeavor she pursued and acquired a Master of Arts in Counseling and now works as a Licensed Professional Counselor. Caitlin joins us to offer anything that God might want to say through this broken (in the process of healing for the rest of this life) vessel to others out there experiencing their own brokenness.

I’m under a mountain. Suffocating. I can’t get out. If you’ve ever felt like this odds are that you have found yourself with circumstances that you feel, to say the least, are overwhelming and insurmountable.

Not too long ago I found myself in this position, a position that I had been stuck in for over a year. I would make small efforts to move my body and to focus my mind; however I didn’t have the strength or sometimes the motivation to even keep trying. I’m writing to you in a similar position today actually. After writing these words I will be diving into the mess that weighs on me daily.

The mountain I, in part, allowed to accrue and other times felt debilitated to deal with. Months ago I made a hard decision; I told someone I am accountable to about the mess that had formed. I knew that it wasn’t working to deal with it on my own and to keep it hidden. Bringing to light my issues was embarrassing, humiliating, humbling, and hurt my pride quite a bit. I was prepared for the worst, was ready for the harshest of reactions, but that didn’t happen. Grace was what I received. I truly am my harshest critic and I was ready for the same to come at me when I expressed what was going on.

Well, here is my other problem. Sometimes I literally need a slight kick in the pants, in other words, some solid truth. So while grace was life giving and beautiful, it wasn’t enough for me to bring to light the issue, receive the grace, and then keep doing what I had before. I recently heard that truth without love is not the language God speaks. He speaks both. We need both. So I was receiving grace/love. Now I needed some truth.

Months later I went back to this person I first confessed to and stated my problem isn’t changing. I’m still under this mountain. They asked what they needed to do to help me and were a bit more firm with their feedback to me. Truth. I had to begin to move. I had to move. Just move. Okay. I had to decide what needed to happen to help me move. Like a child deciding what their consequence will be. I had to take ownership of the process. You know how many times I prayed for this mountain to move? So many times I can’t count, but I wasn’t moving under the pressure. God is our strength and we have to move to use that strength. The movements don’t have to be graceful, beautiful, or perfect. We just need to try. We need to do something. When we find ourselves unable to move on our own we have to include other people in the mix rather than continuing to try the same old of doing it on our own with no avail.

For some who read this you may say, I have no one. I hear the pain in that, my friend. To that I will say, watch closely for those you may not have given the chance to be there for you before. They may be an untapped resource. God truly does work in mysterious ways. Seek out. Far too often we wait for others to come to us.

Lastly, I pray that God would bring others into your life and into your path that can walk with you through any trial you may be facing and that he would give you the eyes to see he has placed them there.

In our journey to maturing and growth, we often are taught about MORE. More education, more experience, more (fill in the blank). Paul Coelho invites a contrasting view when he shared, “Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”

As you soak this in, what do you notice about your reaction? Perhaps you resist this statement, or are drawn to it? What I can appreciate about Paul’s statement is that it provokes thoughtfulness. It encourages an opportunity to reflect on how much we do in life that perhaps isn’t true to ourselves.

Take this moment to explore what your heart/soul longs for. What would you do if you followed the passion of your soul? Where do you thrive/excel? You have unique gifts that you’ve been given that you can bless the world. When we lean into these passions we can have an opportunity to come alive in a more full way within, as well as impact the world around us in a profound way.

Also spend time reflecting on what parts of life drain you. You may currently do things that take away from the opportunity to shine in your unique way. Maybe it’s time to ask others for help-or let go of some of these tasks completely. Feel the freedom that can come with being intentional about what you choose to do, and not do. Letting go of something that you have done for some time, but you don’t enjoy can be a breath of fresh air that can create a shift in your perspective. You also may create the space for passion to develop in surprising new ways… becoming “who you were meant to be in the first place.”

~MM

First it was Megan, and then came you.
I wasn’t even a thought as you two grew.
But soon enough you took on a new role,
protective and caring “big brother Cole.”
Together we grew up in the wide open spaces,
and got to help our dad win political races.
Mom taught us all in school,
and somehow she made it through.
You had big dreams and goals, but knew what it took,
and if you had a spare moment we always found you with a book.
You were speedy fast and super smart,
and truly had such a beautiful heart.
Your smile and laughter spread joy to those around you,
and to yourself and your word, you always stayed true.
I regret all of the silly fights we had,
cuz when I think back on them it makes me sad.
All along I hadn’t seen,
what you saw was a friend in me.
You were always so proud of what I had done,
I still wish we could sit down and chat one on one.
I always looked up to you,
as well as my big sister too.
I miss your advice and hearing your voice.
Being selfish in life was never a choice.
You put family first and took time for others,
an amazing friend and the absolute best brother.
Throughout my life you have always watched out for me,
but now you look down from where only angels can be.
God put you on this earth thirty-two years ago,
and it broke our hearts when He said it was time to go.
On this day we grew up celebrating with you,
but now that you are gone we remember who you were with two.

~HJ

If you are like me, there are days that feel so overwhelming you may be tempted to think, “why try?” Days can lead into weeks and months, and seasons of life that we are faced with burdens that feel like they are too much to handle.

Something that has been helpful during these seasons for me, is learning to live one day, one hour, and one breath at a time. Knowing I don’t need to “control” or fix  everything now or for the future reminds me that God is in control and I am invited to seek Him as I explore how to take that next breath.

The wheelbarrow has also been important in this journey. See, we all have our own wheelbarrow to push. There’s some good we carry in that wheelbarrow, but also heavy crap. Each of us is charged with finding a way to push our own wheelbarrow up the hill.

In my journey there have been times when I see others struggling and I want to pick them up and put them in my wheelbarrow. I also see so many things I could do… so I am tempted to put these things in my wheelbarrow as well. What happens however, is often my good intentions overwhelm me and I get too weighed down by the people and the tasks I’ve decided to put in my wheelbarrow.  I then end up toppled at the bottom of my hill trying to track down all of those things that have escaped my wheelbarrow in the fall. While we will always have these moments of discovering how to dust ourselves off and begin again, how do we be mindful of what goes back in the wheelbarrow? I need to be really thoughtful about what I can really push in my wheelbarrow.

I have learned that when I put people in my wheelbarrow, it doesn’t take away the reality that they too have a wheelbarrow they must push. In time I’m continuing to refine how to walk alongside them and let them find their way. I may encourage or just listen at times, but I don’t get to pick them up and do their journey for them. They truly have to find their way to push their wheelbarrow-just as I have to push mine.

There is freedom in finding ways to let go of what isn’t my crap. There is often a tension in letting go of trying to fix or maintain other people’s wheelbarrows, though. As inviting as it is to think of it in this way, we get stuck back into a rut of old patterns and feel if we can say or do the right thing, then we can fix this situation for someone. While it’s powerful to be in community and encourage one another, we also have to recognize when we are taking on more than what is ours. It empowers the other person on their journey if I can listen and also recognize how hard they are working. In time I have also seen that when they do find their way (or I have found my way) to take the next step (breath) they learn in a new way that they really CAN find a way forward from challenging places. They are empowered, and so am I. I don’t have to be responsible for continuing to get them to take those steps-they’ve tapped into a powerful strength and sense of agency that will continue to impact how they move forward on their journey.

If you are feeling weighed down by the burdens of daily life and longing for a space to renew your relationship with God, we invite you to join Jackie Shives, Megan Miller, and Haley Juhnke at the Women’s Retreat April 6th and 7th in Chamberlain, SD.

This 2-day retreat will help you explore how to lighten your load through mindfulness, reflection, quiet time, and community with other women.

For more information and to sign up go to: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/lightening-the-load-womens-retreat-registration-42218030265

~MM

What comes to mind when you think of prayer?

We may first think of how we learned about prayer in a church. Perhaps your exposure to prayer was very formal or informal… Based on what we have been taught our idea of prayer may have many forms.

When you think of prayer, you may think of creating space to pray at meal time, bed time, or at church. Perhaps you’ve distanced yourself from prayer after you’ve found yourself face-to-face with such difficult circumstances you believe there’s no way God can exist… Maybe in time when you’ve felt nothing else seems to work, in desperation you start a conversation wondering even as you speak if your Creator could be listening?! And if your Creator is listening, then why am I experiencing (fill in the blank with your current turmoil)???

I remember a time when I thought of prayer as something that happened only at set aside times. This was helpful in some ways, however there is freedom and connection to realize there isn’t a specific way, or a time, or any “rules” I have to abide by. Instead I view prayer as a conversation. I view prayer as seeking to be in relationship with my Creator. I can cry out, I can be grateful, I share the achings and longings of my soul, or I can just be silent. Prayer is now something that happens in the middle of a disagreement… or perhaps in the sweet tender snuggle of one of my little ones…. It happens in my commute to and from work… in the hectic moments and the quiet moments… God is after all present in all of these moments. He is listening and He is available to me-and you!

I don’t have to be something to come to the Lord. I have the freedom to come to Him with whatever is on my heart and mind. See, He knows it all anyway. This may feel invasive to some, but what’s amazing is He knows all our dark secrets and also holds the beauty in how He’s created each one of us as His children. He sees all and always loves us wholly.

Isn’t this a challenge to really soak in? How do we absorb that no matter what we do, where we’ve gone, what others may say about us… no matter how hard we may run… God’s always willing to welcome us into His arms! There may be times we find ourselves kicking and screaming at Him for the pain we can’t understand… or perhaps we are rejoicing for the amazing blessings we are encountering… Our circumstances and moods may fluctuate, but God’s love is unchanging. Persistent. Constant.

Prayer is an opportunity to be honest. We can be seen and embraced. We are loved because of and in spite of whatever we bring. We are chosen. We are loved. We are His beloved child.

Gods got you. He is with you. Now and forever you are loved and surrounded by his love and grace.

“Never stop praying.” 1 Thessalonians 5:17

~MM

The valleys of life suck. There is power in recognizing the times that we often feel we need to tuck away so no one can see them. We readily show off to others the strong parts of us and we long for them to see we have it all together. But-the reality is there are times in life that just cut us off at the knees.

During the turmoil and the “valleys” of life I find that I can expect an internal voice that creeps in challenging me-wondering if it’s worth the fight. There’s exhaustion at an emotional and physical level that I “earn” by navigating how to fight this battle. I must dig deep to just take the next breath in the journey. We long for a safe refuge as we strategically place our next step in hopes we don’t fall back into the pit we are trying to escape. We may feel as though there is nothing but a dense fog all around us-inviting additional confusion about how to find our way out. That voice starts to whisper all kinds of lies about who we are. It wants us to believe that we will never find a way forward.

Part of me in these times longs for the “magic wand” that will take away all my troubles and grant me what I am seeking without the turmoil… however that is only one part. You see, the reality is that after the many ups and downs of my life’s journey, I do still stare down these times with dread. It truly always sucks facing the deep pain of feeling we can’t fix our current circumstances with our (perhaps highly defended) “I’m alright” modes of operation. However, in time, I have come to appreciate that these times refine me and how I find my way in relationship. These needed changes in me and perhaps my relationships don’t  just doesn’t happen during the carefree times of life. So, with a heavy heart, I face these times of excruciating pain and choose to remember the ways God has allowed me to mature and grow through similar seasons of my journey.

I choose to seek out, and work to remember, that my struggles allow me to find new life (in time anyway…). There are moments this far off promise of some type of “relief” down the road doesn’t feel like enough to keep going. If that is the case I pray I can at least give myself the grace to cry out to God and reach out to others from those valleys (Hey, even Jesus cried out longing for his impending death to be avoided if there was any other way). Even in taking this step I have to battle the twisted lies that I’m just doing this for some wrong motive… that I don’t deserve to give voice to this and have an opportunity to seek the help that comes from others. You see, my ego and the devil has had to take a hit as I combat these lies with the truth that I don’t have to do this by myself. In community God’s truth can be perhaps more readily tapped into and lies can be exposed. There is power in prayer and when I feel too overwhelmed to keep fighting myself, there are amazing people who walk with me-battling in prayer. This is so valuable when I have found myself questioning if I can take the next step. Others don’t get to fix things for me, but knowing they are fighting for me spiritually as well as lending a listening ear while I give voice to the pain, does lessen the darkness and put me on a path of truth. When the struggle is intense I may have to have them remind me of God’s truth for my life more often. This helps to combat some of the slippery steps that would mean falling back into the pit of lies and rejection for me.

If you find yourself in one of those dark valleys now, I pray that there is enough to sustain you for your next breath… the next minute… the next hour… and day.

I pray you can give yourself the permission to cry out and give voice to the pain. Share how deeply you have been touched by this trial, and seek help and truth about your belovedness in the midst of the valley. Find freedom in naming the pain so its grip does not grasp onto you as tightly.

My prayer is this writing reminds you that you are not alone in the dark valley.  I pray you can feel that your specific struggle is being lifted up this very moment and that you are not fighting alone. As you have the courage to face this valley, I will pray that you have what you need… one breath at a time.

“Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

~MM

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Tears are draining. We can work hard to fight against them… wanting to push away the hard stuff to run toward the good, but the reality remains that sometimes there are things in life that just demand our attention and our grief. We can spend time avoiding using coping skills that violate our intrinsic value (drinking, drugs, self-harm, self-hatred), or choose another path. A path towards healing. This path includes facing and allowing our pain so we can be transformed and be refined. Does it hurt? Absolutely. Will you have an opportunity to see life in new ways and live life in a more full way? Yes.  You have the chance to turn this deep pain into a refining journey and fight against the heavy load that drags you down. You may feel defeated and be tempted to give up. On these days just doing the next thing is enough. Take things one day, one breath, at a time as you find your way to healing.

Reach out to those who can encourage you on the darkest of days. Allow the tears to come-they bring emotional and physical healing through the release of endorphins (feel good hormones) and decreasing our stress hormones.

“Blessed are those who mourn: they shall be comforted.” —Matthew 5:4

~MM

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