Completely Broken Fully Loved

I have an aspiration to do something new and different-to branch out and begin speaking more and even dare to write a book. This absolutely terrifies me and excites me all at once. I feel as though there are a million reasons why I could talk myself out of this, and yet there are so many that urge me to take the risk and put “pen to paper,” or more accurately finger tips to the keyboard to begin formulating something to share with the world.

I share this because maybe you too have an aspiration in your heart. Something that equally scares and excites you. Something that connects your deep passion with a need in the world. And, just maybe, the lies in your head encourage you to keep quiet, saying this dream could never be a reality. But… perhaps you have an opportunity to take a step in the direction your heart is leading you in order to see if it really could be something that starts something new… if it is something you can continue to build on and work toward. What keeps you hiding in the shadows? What would it take to step out, into the light, and share your gift in a way that just might inspire or encourage another person?

In the words of Andy Stanley, “You have no idea what hangs in the balance of your decision to embrace the burden God has put on your heart.” When we are paralyzed by fear we just don’t know what we, or others, may be missing. Stepping out in faith, knocking on doors and stepping through those that open to follow the journey where our heart lead, takes tremendous courage. We can desire to stay safe and hidden away from potential failure, or we can risk falling flat on our face, getting back up again, and continuing to forge a path in the direction toward our soul’s passion. This provides an opportunity to gain access to doors we didn’t know existed because we haven’t tried before. I also appreciate Albert Einstein who is quoted saying, “A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.”

The ups and downs getting where we long to go is where life happens… and perhaps it’s when we dare to step out that we discover who we were really created to be….

~MM

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

“We need an ongoing blessing that allows us to hear in an ever-new way that we belong to a loving God who will never leave us alone, but will remind us always that we are guided by love on every step of our lives.” -Henri Nouwen, Life of the Beloved

When we slow in our mountain of “to-do’s” to speak prayers, to call out something beautiful in another person, or to truly hear them in a time of need we are providing an opportunity for something greater than just two people gathered together. We invite an experience of sharing God’s loving gaze with that person. It can be life-changing for them, and/or us, when we take the time to share in one another’s belovedness.

So what keeps us from doing this more often? We may stay frozen and isolated by our own insecurities or the fear that we will get it all wrong. Or that internal voice that tells us in our dark, isolated places that we aren’t blessed, but instead cursed. Due to our own history and imperfections or stories others have told us about how unloved we are, it can be hard to slow, hear, and truly trust the voice of truth and soak in for ourselves that we are chosen and blessed. As Henri Nouwen references in his quote and book Life of the Beloved, we must seek ways to absorb the reality that we are chosen, loved, and blessed. AND he emphasizes that we need to hear this in new ways and hear them often to battle the overwhelming lies that can sway us into believing that we are instead cursed or not enough.

We are all on our own journey to knowing our blessedness. In our culture we spend time competing and working at being the best at whatever we do. While there is beauty in seeking growth, we may become wrapped up in competition and a need to be “better than” others. Embracing the blessing and our belovedness is different than this model of scarcity. The divine giftedness we have all been uniquely created with is something that does not run out or diminish in the face of another’s blessedness. When we begin to understand this truth that lives within us, truly hear the blessing and claim it for ourselves, it is then we can be blessed all the more and have a deep desire well up within us to share this blessing with those around us. We don’t have to give into the fear that lies to us saying that if someone else becomes blessed, than we will not be. We instead understand deeply that as we own this blessing, others too can grow in their blessing, and we can come together in more beautiful and more full ways than ever before.

As we have the courage to hear, accept, and walk in our deep blessing, it creates an environment in which we begin to go through this life as the “blessed ones,” which overflows into those around us. We must choose to accept that we are the blessed ones over and over again (day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute). To seek and embrace this truth as fully as we are able, allows us to reject the curses and fear that we aren’t enough.  Through this very knowing, we navigate life with an overflowing love and awareness that allows others to slow and soak in their blessedness as well. I encourage you to wrestle with ways to embrace your blessings and have courage to reflect those gifts and blessings you see in others.

~MM

11 years. That’s how long it’s been since the doctors came to tell me my world would forever be changed. It was this day 11 years ago that my spouse of 3 ½ years, the father of my 5 ½ month old daughter, died of Hantavirus. There would be no more shared times together. There would be no future with more children together on our little place tucked outside of Bridgewater, SD. The world was different and couldn’t ever resemble what it did before losing Paul.

While every story has it’s good and it’s hard parts, on days like today the hard certainly come into focus. I’m walking beside my 11-year-old daughter who continues to understand what it means that she is growing up and maturing without the every day in and outs of having her biological father guiding her way… at least in a physical sense.

There is no doubt that who her dad was continues to shape who she is. She wants to know about him and wonders how life would be different if God didn’t allow her dad to die when she was so young. I too wonder. It would have been a different life that would have been unrecognizable compared to the journey we have traveled.

See, when we are broken beyond our own ability to repair… something changes. It has to. Our usual tactics of looking like we have life together doesn’t even begin to super glue the million pieces life shatters into, back into place when that crisis enters in. For you perhaps it was a diagnosis, a loss of a family member like me, the decisions of another person who violated you, or some other “moment” in which everything changed… but you too were broken…

I discovered that in the midst of my incredible brokenness, God listens. He hears our cries and knows every tear that falls from our face. Our suffering does not go unnoticed. Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” may feel like an empty promise on your journey today, and that’s ok. There were many hard and tearful conversations I had with God after Paul died and life’s waves continued to pummel me. However, in time as I allowed the pain of the brokenness of my journey to come, the light also began to appear. I pray that as you have the courage to name your pain, that you too can experience some light of this promise and that the light can come into more focus as God brings those broken pieces into a beautiful healing that only He can offer us.

I am grateful for so many who have cared for and about me and my family in this journey of loss. Because of my journey, I’ve also had the privilege of hearing other stories as people sat with me in their own pain-having the courage to face what may seem like something that can only consume them. Having that courage to share our pain allows that pain to be shared by the listener and the Lord as well as transformed… this begins to allow the load to shift.

Sometimes there is a significant moment of relief when we release what we’ve tried to carry on our own. Often times it is an ongoing process of releasing the load again and again and crying out because of the weight we feel when we begin attempting to carry it on our own.

Even after the load has shifted, there are times it again feels heavy. However, because of this journey I’ve lived, I am reminded that I must challenge the part of me that says I need to do it all on my own, and instead seek out God in prayer and talk with those whom I trust and who listen in a sacred way. I am thankful for the gift of my brokenness, although it continues to challenge me and force me to grow.

I continue to most be challenged by the way my daughter has to forge this journey for herself as well. I can offer love and support and a listening ear, but I don’t get to rescue her from this experience and make it different. I’m not that powerful. This is heart-wrenching, yet I know it’s developing a sweet heart within her as well. I see her caring for others who have a deep hurt in their heart as well, and I don’t doubt that God will use this part of her story in a good way.

I pray that where ever you are in your journey, you can have space to feel the pain,  be encouraged that you are not alone, and feel the load shift when you can release the weight,  and allow grace to instead overwhelm you today.

~MM

*I was given a wonderful horse by a beautiful friend of mine as I begin my work with Restoration Ranch, LLC. When we first interacted with this horse, my daughter was so excited about him and wanted to ride him. The photos I captured on my phone are in different positions. If you notice the glow around her, she said this was her dad riding with her. He had a passion for horses and the opportunity to care for these 4 legged relatives connects my daughter to her dad in a new way. God knows what we need as we journey, even though it’s often not what we want or expect.

Today’s blog post is by guest blogger, Kerry Koerselman. Kerry is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Sioux Falls Psychological in Sioux Falls, SD. She works with adults and couples and her areas of specialty include: relationship issues, midlife issues, trauma, spiritual issues as well as anxiety and depression. Kerry graduated from the University of South Dakota in 2001 with a Masters degree in counseling psychology and received a Graduate Certificate of Theological Studies from Sioux Falls Seminary in 2016.

---

“There is no amount of self-care in isolation that can replace the power of belonging and connection.”

 –Jane Clapp

We live in times of growing disconnection, but we were created to be in relationship.  How can we brave connecting with others without being damaged by the connection?  Boundaries are key to this.  Jane Clapp proposes that you can think of having a boundary as similar to being a good neighbor.  In order to enjoy and feel at peace in a relationship with a neighbor, you need to create a situation that allows you to feel okay.  For some neighbors this might mean you need no fence between your properties, and you talk freely to them throughout the day.  For other neighbors, you may need a small hedge to give each of you a clear delineation of your property and to make interactions less frequent.  As for other neighbors, you may need a tall privacy fence.  You can enjoy limited conversations with these folks when they are kept more separate from you.  And finally, there may be neighbors you need to move away from and never see again.   The goal however, is to not be stopped from coming out of your house and experiencing relationship with the people around you.  It is important to find a way to be in relationship and to feel safe to be authentic at the same time.

Some steps to setting healthy boundaries:

1-Tune into your inner gut feeling of yes or no.  Begin to look inward.  When you are interacting with someone or are asked for something, take a moment to check in with yourself.  Do you feel tension within yourself? Be completely honest with yourself about when there is a “no”.

2-Prepare yourself for other’s reactions to your “no”.  Other people might be hurt or confused at first when you set a boundary.  Remind yourself that building the fence can allow you to enjoy your relationship with that person and be yourself in that relationship.

3-Prepare yourself for your own reaction.  We are socially reinforced for trying to be “good” and avoid conflict.  Feelings of guilt and concerns about being selfish often pop up when we are new to setting boundaries.  Remind yourself it is better to be authentic in a relationship than to be perceived as “good” and feel disconnected from people.

Setting boundaries can be especially hard with family and in small communities.  These relationships are often life long and the stakes on being perceived in a certain way feel high.  It takes strength and bravery to step out and be authentic even when it ruffles feathers, but doing so can result in feeling more connected and real in one’s own life.  If you would like help working on being connected and having boundaries, a therapist can be a helpful resource.

~KK

“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” -Antonine de Saint-Exupery

An alcoholic who’s lost everything… the abused… the divorced… the abandoned… the moral failure… the scarred…

There are several forms of brokenness all around us, as well as within. As we move through the world, our eyes can quickly follow our fleshly thoughts to make judgments about those we come into contact with each day or perhaps for the first time.

As we evaluate another person’s circumstances we may cling tightly to how we have somehow done “better” through our own choosing, or perhaps how “lucky” we were because we weren’t born into a less desirable circumstance or that we didn’t experience a certain traumatic event… It is tempting to follow the prompting of our ego to gain distance from the “undesirables”: whether that means circumstances or others who can’t hide their brokenness and can’t seem to find their way back to that “accepted” place.

What may be profound, is that the very connection to what we most long to avoid can awaken a new part of us. If we risk moving closer to who/what we fear, we may discover instead of being consumed by these unwanted trait, that we instead find our way to more love and acceptance.  We may be surprised how easily we can fall in love/care/concern with a person we initially wanted to reject, just because we had the courage to be close and listen with our hearts and be present. We may be surprised as well how their brokenness and story may not be so different from our own after all. Perhaps by loving them in a new way we can also expand this to love ourselves in a new way as well. It can be refreshing to let go of judgment and just be with another and even with our own imperfections.

When we dare to let go of our judgments and insecurities and offer love without fear, we can begin to see with our hearts.

~MM

Today’s blog post is by guest blogger, Kerry Koerselman. Kerry is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Sioux Falls Psychological in Sioux Falls, SD. She works with adults and couples and her areas of specialty include: relationship issues, midlife issues, trauma, spiritual issues as well as anxiety and depression. Kerry graduated from the University of South Dakota in 2001 with a Masters degree in counseling psychology and received a Graduate Certificate of Theological Studies from Sioux Falls Seminary in 2016.

---

“…our capacity to destroy one another is matched by our capacity to heal one another. Restoring relationships and community is central to restoring well-being” 

–Bessel van der Kolk

Sitting with people, getting to walk alongside them as they explore their struggles, I feel potently what van der Kolk says in this quote.  I hear the pain people cause each other, and I get to witness the healing that comes from connecting with someone, feeling heard and stepping into the risk of being open with one’s heart.

More and more I think that the bravest thing we can all do as human beings is to connect with those around us—to risk loving them.  I ask myself, how can I further surrender to the love that is all around me?  This includes love of creation—the earth, the animals, the plants and trees, the sky, and the air.   It includes systems around me—my family, my community, my workplace, my spiritual community, my country, the whole of humanity.  And it includes the individual people in my world—my partner, my children, my parents, my extended family, my coworkers,  my friends and myself.

How can I be loving toward myself?  Having a generous and gentle way with one’s own self is key to being able to love others.  Accepting yourself as human and remembering that all humans make mistakes is important.  If we can be okay with our own perceived failings and mistakes, we can be okay when others also make mistakes and have human flaws. 

Taking responsibility for one’s actions actually becomes easier when we are gentle with ourselves.  We say—“I should not have made that choice, but I see it now and next time I am going to work to do it differently”.  We embrace our struggles so that we can face them more fully.  It is good to remember that people are complicated creatures.  We have the capacity to destroy out of fear and to heal out of love—each of us has our own unique fingerprint of pain and strength.

It is a brave and beautiful thing to risk this depth of love.  It feels out of control and like it might overwhelm you.  This love grows a person and expands their awareness of how everything is connected.  It says we are all one.  It breaks down the illusion that we are independent and alone.  As we see this connectedness, we grow.  Our awareness expands, and little by little we find more peace.

Maybe you feel that you would like to be more connected with the love that is around you.  The therapists at River Counseling and Sioux Falls Psychological Services can walk with you personally, with your relationship, or with your family as you explore what that might look like for you.

~KK

We often find ourselves chasing more from life. More money, more possessions, more happiness, more from ourselves and those around us, and maybe more of something we can’t even quite name… While wanting more for ourselves is not “bad,” it can be important to consider if we have fallen into a trap of feeling that our self-worth is wrapped up in what we seek to obtain. We can become consumed by the idea that if we can just get more (money, love, status, time…), life would be better. Maybe the next achievement will give us the recognition and acceptance we long for and we will finally be “enough.”

If we find ourselves in this cycle and we are able to achieve in significant ways, we may think highly of ourselves and life may seem to go well. Or perhaps we become hypervigilant about keeping up with our current pace, or exceeding it, so we can still be looked at in an honorable way. While it’s helpful to have goals and work to achieve them, we may begin living in fear of not achieving enough, or letting down others or ourselves in the race to achieve. However, we are human and we are faced with a limitation of time and energy. Often we find ourselves continuing to push harder and harder until we find we no longer are able to. If we are faced with the reality of our own limitations, we may fall into a rut and believe our importance and our value have gone down the gutter along with our high performance.

So is there any other way to move forward? Henri Nowen invites us to consider that we are not the product of our achievements (what we do), or what we have, or even what others say about us, but something entirely different. Henri presents us with a counter-cultural way of living by considering or accepting that our true identity is based on our belovedness as a child of God. Perhaps the most challenging truth about being the beloved is that we are unable to earn or achieve our way to it. God offers this constant love as an outpouring of His perfect love for us. We simply (or perhaps not so simply) get to choose to accept it.

While achievements are a part of our story, they are not what creates worth. Our worth is derived from being created and loved by God. This intrinsic value is non-negotiable and never changing. The longing deep within us is waiting for us to capture this love and embrace it for ourselves.

~MM

Through the ways we are uniquely and beautifully made, as well as our life experiences, we have the opportunity to share specific gifts with the world around us. As you spend time reflecting on this, what surfaces for you? Explore the gifts you can offer. Where does the world’s great need and your passion intersect?

This first step of awareness provides the path to opening up the journey to being intentional. We find ourselves setting goals that allow us to embrace new parts of ourselves, which can be exhilarating and scary both. As we add new goals to our days, we face a need to let go of those things that conflict or don’t align with our passion. This may be freeing (letting go of tasks that suck the life out of us), but also heartbreaking (as we may have to choose not to do things that are “good” but we don’t have the time and space for).

Be gentle with yourself on your journey. You will learn and grow as you go-from both successes and the failures.

“So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another.” -Romans 14:19

Currently, I am blessed to be on the journey of pursuing my own passion, which includes the launching of Restoration Ranch, LLC. Through a partnership with the Ashley Arena near Pukwana, SD, I have been able to begin providing equine assisted psychotherapy.

As a prey animal, horses are a highly emotionally intelligent animal, and are able to provide insights into our own worlds. They provide an opportunity to experience healing and a way forward through relationship together. The ground work that takes place during time with the horses is a dynamic way of finding healing and a new way forward.

My prayer is that as Restoration Ranch grows in its ability to impact others, there will be an opportunity to purchase land and build a temperature regulated facility to operate in year round. Beyond counseling, I am also offering spiritual direction (space to explore your relationship with God), team building exercises, and retreat opportunities as well.

I’m excited to share my vision and pray it can encourage you to pursue your own passion!

~MM

We can so quickly get carried away by the demands of our day and easily lose sight of wonder. We are taught to “know” so much, and somehow in accumulating knowledge and believing we can “do” more, we may find ourselves lost and unable to  simply notice the world around us. We can miss the blessing of seeing the world through eyes of wonder.

As you begin today, take time to be present. What is the world around you showing you? Take time to notice the weather-not just if it is good/bad, but what is unique about the clouds, or the wind, or the sun? What do you notice about how other creatures are responding to the world?

How do you open your heart to blessings around you? The fact that we experience running water… a temperature controlled home with a touch of a button… the shelter of four walls, family and/or friends who can provide a helping hand… Let these blessings flow through you.

Today access those beautiful parts within yourself… allow the light in you to shine and touch those you come into contact with today. Each person has an incredible and unique story to tell-one that has been impacted by the generations before them. How do we honor the life before us as we greet or interact with another?

Those you come into contact today will be blessed through your eyes, your presence, or perhaps a kind touch. Just slow and notice whatever is “important” as you allow yourself to get lost in wonder today.

~MM

Today’s writing was inspired by my own wonderings lately, but also this beautiful video. If you have more time feel free to further get connected through it’s encouraging words!

Rumi is quoted as saying, “Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.” As you reflect on this you may be able to bring to mind many times in your own life in which you decided to hold on or let go, and the impact of these moments.

As this quote recognizes, there are times in life in which we must, or get to, let go. Sometimes circumstances are ones in which we prepare for the change (welcoming a baby, graduation, marriage, job transitions). We may be the one pursuing this shift, or perhaps life naturally leads us to this new season.  When we have time to prepare for these life changes, it can impact the way we let go.

While we have times we prepare for transitions, there are other times in life in which we aren’t given the opportunity to anticipate having to let go. We may abruptly have a loved one die, lose our job, lose a relationship… these unexpected losses can also impact our journey of letting go. We may feel we weren’t given the tools we needed to be able to release what we had, or we can find ourselves feeling stuck and bitter, or just at a loss for how to handle how to move forward with changes we are facing.

Whether you are on the verge of letting go, in the midst of the process, or looking back on an experience of releasing something or someone… be gentle with yourself. Transitions bring challenges and good. Accept the permission to grieve and celebrate. With change comes the natural process of coping with the losses that accompany all times of transition (whether anticipated or not). Find places where you can receive healthy support during this new season. Soak in the truth that transition times truly are times of growth and grieving both, and you will likely feel intensely both of these parts.

If you are spiritual, your faith journey can also be tested and transformed during this season (for good or bad). While we be left wondering “why” in the midst of transitions, we also have permission to cry out and give voice to the hard and good to a God who cares about the details of our lives. God is big enough to handle our thankfulness and our wrestling.

“Are not five sparrows sold for two cents? Yet not one of them is forgotten before God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.” Luke 12:6-7

~MM