Completely Broken Fully Loved

I’ve heard it said, “scars are tattoos with better stories.” This makes me smile a bit, but also recognize how true it can be. Scars remind us of something hard we’ve gone through and survived. Often the stories can feel easier to tell after we’ve found some version of healing and once we know the story turns out ok in the end. However, some of our wounds aren’t given attention to heal properly and may cause us ongoing pain. 

When we endure a broken bone or other physical injury, it makes logical sense to get to a doctor to receive the treatment necessary to get us on the road to feeling better as quickly as possible. While it feels almost automatic to tend to these external wounds because they are easy to see, there are other wounds we experience in life that we may not be so eager to attend to-internal wounds. Because these kinds of wounds can be tucked away in our hearts and not so apparent to those around us, we can feel the need to mask this kind of pain. However, these attempts take their toll on us-not only emotionally, but even in our physical body.

When we are able to grant ourselves permission to acknowledge our heart pain, it can be scary at first. We may wonder if we allow this emotion if it will overwhelm us, or even if we will be able to get it to stop.  We may also try to write off our problems thinking things such as, “What if someone thinks I’m weak?” “It’s not that big of a deal.” “Others have it so much worse than me.” In the heartbreaking moments of life when we experience the pain of rejection, hurtful words, consequences of actions we are ashamed of, or lies about being unworthy, it can take tremendous courage to reach out for the help to navigate a way forward.

If we find ourselves pulling back from participating in daily lives, being distant with our loved ones, or even hating ourselves, there is hope to get out of this dark cycle. Reaching out to a safe person, such as a counselor, who is able to be with us and acknowledge how challenging our circumstances are, can help us begin to find a path that leads us toward healing. Sharing our pain with someone we trust can begin to transform a painful injury (or injuries) into an opportunity to find healing. We can even begin to learn more about our own resilience and unique gifts. In time we can begin to shift our perspective from one of feeling hopeless, to a more hope-filled future ahead. 

The wounds of life, both physically and emotionally can leave scars, but they do not have to define us and keep us locked away from a meaningful life. We can find renewed hope and depth to life through the healing journey. Unlock the healing in your life today by reaching out to find your new way forward. Whether you have a recent heart wound or a scar that’s been bothering you for years, it takes tremendous courage to seek out your safe space and find hope again. I encourage you to find your safe place, including the possibility of connecting with a therapist, to help you find that hope today.

~MM

Today’s blog post is by guest blogger, Kerry Koerselman. Kerry is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Sioux Falls Psychological in Sioux Falls, SD. She works with adults and couples and her areas of specialty include: relationship issues, midlife issues, trauma, spiritual issues as well as anxiety and depression. Kerry graduated from the University of South Dakota in 2001 with a Masters degree in counseling psychology and received a Graduate Certificate of Theological Studies from Sioux Falls Seminary in 2016.

“I decided that the most subversive, revolutionary thing I could do was to show up for my life and not be ashamed.”  — Anne Lamott

Don’t let the Instagram photos fool you, everyone has their pain and struggle.  Behind the glossy images, the rosy filters and the curated posts, we all weep, stink and rage.  It takes tremendous strength to show up authentically and vulnerably real, in a culture where perfect images get the “likes”.   

Sometimes we feel scared to be real with people for fear they might think we are screwed up, weak, or uncool. If we are real with people, they can hurt us.  Often our instinct is to protect ourselves by wearing a mask, keeping our distance and never showing weakness. 

Published studies report that about 25 percent of all U.S. adults have a mental illness and that nearly 50 percent of U.S. adults will develop at least one mental illness during their lifetime. (CDC)  Everyone has struggles, and many people’s struggles are significant enough to be diagnosed as mental illness. 

It is only by showing up, being real and sitting with our pain that we can process through the pain.  What is the saying?  “If you can’t feel, you can’t heal it”.   People find all sorts of ways to numb ourselves from our pain.  Netflix binging, mindless eating, looking at porn, alcohol or drug use, constant busyness, over exercising, compulsive internet shopping–these are all ways people try to numb the feelings we don’t want to feel.  We can help each other heal by being real with each other, reaching out and letting someone see what is going on inside.  

Maybe the first place you can begin to show the real you is in therapy.  Therapy is a safe place to open up about the behaviors you feel ashamed of, the worries you can’t stop spinning through your mind, and the hopelessness you have about life.  In therapy you will be completely accepted.  No matter what you say, reveal, talk about, explore, the therapist will be there viewing you positively, seeing you as human like all of us, knowing your best intentions. 

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Dear one and only precious life, 

You’ve thrown me curveballs more times than I’d like to count. I’m standing at a crossroads once again-face to face with a challengeI couldn’t have seen coming. I’m starting to learn a trick or two about these trials we all must face, however… 

I’ve learned that while I have every right and opportunity to beat on God’s chest and beg for something different(and while God is big enough to handle this and I may even need to do this for a time)… I now know there are other paths that lead me to find a new way forward. 

I’ve learned that moving forward often means loosening the death grip I have on the reality I’ve come to know and that which feels comfortable. It means opening my handsand opening my heart to embracewhat I can in the giftof what is in this moment. There will never be a moment just like it. It’s ok that sometimes I’m grateful that I don’t have to relive some of the hard parts of this journey. I also see though, that there are other moments I want to just be able to pause and soak all the goodness out of it until it’s all used up. 

What I do get to do is choose to seek out the hopethat whatever comes, I have a Creator who’s walking with me. My God has promised never to leave me or forsake me. 

There are times I’m hurt… disappointed… and I wander… but wherever I find myself, if I listen close enough there is love. The love may be hidden in a bird’s song, a kind word, a smile, the sunrise… but in whatever form it comes in, it is an invitation from the Lord to find rest in Him while the battle rages on. On this path every tear I cry is gathered(Psalm 56:8) and deeply acknowledged and feltby a loving God that won’t let this pain be without a blessing in time as well. 

When I feel so completely alone and I feel I’ve come the end of myself… somehow it’s there I find a way to fly… Something I couldn’t see before reveals itself and provides a foundation to begin walking on… not on my own accord… and not void of all the challenges, but with a strength that endures in the storm. Sometimes it’s a strength that comes because I have the courage to ask for help. A strength that comes from releasing what isn’t mine to carry.  There is even strength in crying out… and acknowledging that I don’t know what my next steps should be… this can allow me to release what I wanted so desperately and instead begin to open my hands to what can be… even though it’s so different than what I imagined, had planned, or longed for before this challenge arose.

There’s beauty to be found in the ashes…

So, my one and only precious life… I will continue to weather the storms… not from my own strength alone, but from a strength infused by my Mighty Helper who will never abandon me. Help from those around me and even nature that reminds with its seasons that there is a time for everything under the sun (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8). I will continue to seek out the hope that seems so far away in some of the darkest moments of this life, and yet claim the promiseof all that can be transformed for goodin an eternal light. 

With all my hope and strength,

The Beloved, Wounded Soldier

This letter is an opportunity to touch your own pain today. To find hope in whatever circumstances you are facing, but with an awareness we aren’t created to fight these challenging battles alone. If you have hope in a Creator, this can provide strength, or perhaps that help can come from a friend or professional. Know you are not alone in your struggles. 

~MM

*This picture was shared by my 12-year-old daughter who offered beautiful encouragement to her grandmother who is facing challenging circumstances. My prayer is it can also offer hope for you on your journey today.

“You have kept record of my days of wandering. You have stored my tears in your bottle and counted each of them.” Psalm 56:8

Caitlin grew up as a listener and observer learning much from those around her. Finding herself interested in psychology from the moment she had the opportunity to take her first class, she went on to major in psychology and receive a Bachelor of Science degree. Following that endeavor she pursued and acquired a Master of Arts in Counseling and now works as a Licensed Professional Counselor. Caitlin joins us to offer anything that God might want to say through this broken (in the process of healing for the rest of this life) vessel to others out there experiencing their own brokenness.

Devastation. Barren. Dark. Charred. Lifeless. If you’ve ever seen the aftermath of a fire these words may make sense to you. While searching for an example of what I’m about to share with you the picture of a wildfire came to mind. Years ago, there was a prairie fire that began near the place I called home at the time. It burned for miles and left the land around us charred and barren. 

For the next week or so the fire threatened in little bursts from the ground to reignite. Around the clock someone had to be watching with a water truck to put out small fires that came back to life. I remember during the days after school walking around and stomping out a small flame here and there with my boots. I looked around the home that looked completely different, smelled completely different, and was no longer beautiful country-side with a creek bed lined with trees. Trees were tipped over, charred, and decimated. Grass was gone, all that was left was burnt ground for miles. It was saddening to look at.  

We lived there for quite some time after that thank goodness. Long enough to see what came after the fire. Grass grew back to what seemed twice as thick. Slowly over time the prairie came back to life. Wild-life began to come back, more than I had remembered years before. I asked my dad at one point about the grass seeming fuller than it had been. I remember him saying that’s how it works after a fire sometimes. It can make the soil more fertile. Interesting I thought.  

“Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better“-Marylin Ferguson. I didn’t know that the grass could be any thicker than it was before the fire. I didn’t know that the ground could come back from a burn like that. I didn’t know if we would ever see the deer roaming, birds flying, or cattle grazing in the way we had before. Interestingly enough, the same can be said for therapy I think. 

Sometimes a person doesn’t know the ways in which things can shift, transform, and perhaps be even more fulfilling than before. They simply know something is off, they don’t feel like themselves, maybe they feel depressed or anxious, maybe they know relationships seem to be really difficult. They have maybe entertained the thought of counseling. Maybe that could help, but something seems to keep getting in the way. Fear, stigma, pride, hopelessness, lack of self-regard, or disbelief about this thing called psychology. All of these can keep us from seeking counseling. 

However, should you step courageously into that journey you may find the aftermath being quite different than you ever imagined. Some of you may feel like you’re in the midst of the fire right now. Others may feel the fire is over with and the ground around you is left charred. For others perhaps, you’re afraid of the fires that might surface if you begin to look inward. Take heart, “It’s always darkest before dawn”-Thomas Fuller. 

When we live close to our pain, we have an opportunity to experience great joy in new ways. It may be challenging to think that joy and pain are connected in any way other than feeling like opposites, but as we examine the personal narrative of Jesus’ life and death we may find cause to sit with this challenging reality.

Today we celebrate a risen Christ. We also reflect on the recorded days that remind us of the events leading up Easter. We’ve celebrated the highs of welcoming Jesus into the city of Jerusalem with palm branches as He rode in on the back of a donkey… to the days of His betrayal, His torture, being hung on the cross, His death and being placed in the grave… All of this has led us to the day where we can claim the victory of Jesus overcoming death. The joy of the resurrection story highlights not just a victory in isolation of other events, but how tragic events were flipped into a new hope for people and a new way of knowing the depths of God’s sacrificial love for His people. As we hold the darkness and deep sorrow of Jesus’ journey to death on a cross, we also see how God’s narrative offered something so different than any human mind could conceive.

The uncomfortableness of confronting pain may have us fast forwarding to the “happy ending” of Jesus’ resurrection. Because we have the benefit of knowing the whole story, when we speak of Jesus’ death, we often speak of Jesus’ death AND resurrection. But this painful part of our Savior’s story has much to teach us.

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John each give their accounts of the days before Jesus’ death, after the tomb and the resurrection journey. If we plant our feet into the sandals of those witnessing and participating in the events of Palm Sunday, Good Friday and Easter, without knowing how the story ended, the weight of the incredible pain that Jesus suffered may threaten to break us. There is a part of me that wishes it didn’t have to be this way. That there was somehow a very different way for God to demonstrate His love for humanity. But God decided to use something SO hard to transform our understanding of His love for us.

In my own story I think back to the darkest parts of my journey after significant losses I experienced and how desperately I wanted my story to be different. I also wondered why it had to be this way. Even though I continue to grieve and walk through difficult losses of family members… connecting with the pain I see others having to venture through… as well as navigate other life challenges, I can understand how we have an opportunity to know God in a way that is deeper and different because of the suffering we face in this life.

Just like those who witnessed and were changed by Jesus’ death on the cross and His resurrection first hand, we have an opportunity to experience God in new ways when we encounter these dark times of life. I have often said, I would have never wanted to have these losses happen, but I wouldn’t want to be the person I was before those losses either. God can transform our pain into joy. Our deepest hurts can be converted into opportunities to see God’s heart in new ways and give us the desire to reflect His perfect love and hope to others who are going through trails once we discover how He helps us survive what we thought may overcome us. 

On Easter and each day of our journey, we have the joy of celebrating the miracle that Jesus’ death on the cross was not the end. Despite the darkness of these heartbreaking events, God shows up and flips the story. Instead of being left with death and defeat, we are given the ultimate hope through the most difficult of paths. The story of redemption is so magnificent because death was overthrown and there was victory over what felt impossible to redeem. The resurrection story is so powerful because we didn’t have to stay in that dark place. Hope was introduced in ways that our human mind could have never anticipated.

Perhaps your heart is rejoicing today in Jesus’ victory over the grave. As you celebrate, you may feel connected to your own experience of God’s victory over darkness in your life, or maybe you find yourself longing for this kind of transformational hope in the midst of difficult circumstances. Whether you sense victory or feel as though you are facing what feels like the grave, the God of all creation is by your side and walking with you. The same God who ached with Jesus’ death on the cross, but also knew these events held the great victory that was possible because of the sacrifice. God is a God who is connected to the deep pain of our world and can transform our seasons of defeat into a new kind of victory for us and those around us. 

Lord, today I thank You for Your victory over the grave. I thank you for each person who may read these words, and I ask for Your perfect love to cover them in this moment. I ask for a special blessing over their lives. Lord you are El Roi, the “God who sees.” I thank you that you see me, that You see each Beloved Child who is reading this now. I thank you that you also know, and walk in, both the pain and the victory. Lord, You are not intimidated by what threatens to consume us. You are so much bigger than what may feel like the end of our lives as we know it and I thank you that through our pain and valleys, You provide in ways that are beyond our understanding. You can make a path where there seems to be no path. You did this for Jesus, and we cry out to you and ask you provide faith and assurance as we face our pain and wrestle with the hard parts of life. Give us eyes to see You at work in the difficult places and the patience to step into our way forward with our own brokenness and the brokenness of those around us. As we wrestle with the difficult moments in life and when understanding is beyond our grasp, we ask for your provision. I thank You for Your Love that rescues us in our deeply broken places.

Amen

As a therapist, but also just as a human, I deeply value connection. When people have the courage to be vulnerable and fully show up, one could say I pretty fiercely want to provide a protected space for them to know safety in that space in which they are being so brave. I know the deep benefits that come from this type of authenticity personally, and I’ve had the honor of walking with others as they embrace healing in their own story with these types of experiences.

As I reflected on a recent discussion with a friend and mentor, I realized how much I don’t get to protect. I have always known this and understood it due to my own broken journey… but it’s yet another, deeper level and deeper understanding. Through the recent loss of my aunt, the loss of my cousin last year, and the many years that have passed since the loss of my brother and my husband, I find myself weeping at this realization in my own life yet again. This raw grief reminds me (and is an invitation to all of us) of the true beauty and joy that is life holds, but with the beauty we also encounter times of deep sorrow. I can hold space for those broken pieces of my story. I can hold this space for others in their brokenness as well. I continue to have to come back to the truth that regardless of the depths of this pain, however I don’t have the power to direct the universe in a way that stops these hard parts from existing or keeping disappointments and heartaches from happening again. Not for me. Not for others.

So where is the hope in this deep desperation that I come face to face with and have to weep over yet again? For me, the hope is in the reality even though I don’t get to “fix” it, I can be present to it. I still grieve over not only my own losses and dark valleys, but that of the those around me and even for this world. I can tolerate this deep sorrow, because I know life lives here. This probably sounds so counter-intuitive you may want abandon this post now. However, I feel we are called as humans to live bravely into our stories. To fully embrace the joy, we must also face and acknowledge our sorrow. I must release the suffering of my story, and of this world to the Ultimate Healer. I look to a God who is far bigger and greater than me. Who knew me before I was born and who can see me (and you) and the intrinsic value in how we were created. He can also bring healing to our hearts in a way that only the Creator can. I can step  into trusting that by giving voice to my own aching, or by truly seeing and hearing another of His beloved children, I am providing space for His love to transform and redeem the broken pieces of both of our hearts into something more beautiful. This doesn’t erase the pain, but it does create paths for healing. It provides opportunity for transformation in our hearts and the hearts of those who have the courage to share their story in sacred spaces.

~MM

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

“I thought I’d have more time.” These are the words my aunt Sharla shared with her dearest family members as they gathered in her ICU room last Tuesday. While she was diagnosed 7 months ago with a rare form of cancer, Acute Myeloid Leukemia, she had been a medical wonder throughout her treatment journey. Doctors were in awe at how little pain she had. She was doing so much better than anyone could anticipate. However, she started feeling ill and even though there was a clean blood scan just 2 weeks prior to her suddenly falling ill, she walked into the hospital last Tuesday morning with no awareness that it would be her last day.  

As we gathered together to celebrate her life this week, we were face to face with the reality that death doesn’t wait for us to complete our to-do list. Her daughter, Kirsti so poignantly helped those gathered understand this by sharing how “confused” her mom was in her last hours of life, but not because of her medical condition, but because her mom thought she had “more time.” More time to see her grandbabies grow. More time to walk with her kids as they raised their beautiful families. More time to embrace the beauty of another sunset. More time to spend with her husband and the brood of animals she loved and cared for.

Experiences like this, whether personal, or gifted to us by others, can ignite our ability to wake up to living with more intentionality. We are reminded in a very real way that we just don’t know when our last day will be. We can be drawn to places we can find hope during these times. We may begin to rethink the appointments we keep and why we choose to spend the minutes, hours, and days we’ve been given in the particular ways we do. We have a chance to reflect if our calendar is communicating our true priorities, or if perhaps we need to realign that time spent with more congruent priorities in our hearts. We may also see more clearly the “fillers” that may keep us busy, but that may ultimately may be taking away energy from who we are, or how we were created. 

Even if you don’t have a personal experience of a moment such as this, my prayer is you may find some benefit in my aunt’s powerful words. While she embraced living in an inspirational way to those around her, she gave us another gift in her dying. She gave us all a gift in the reminder of how precious our lives really are. Take advantage of this invitation today to be mindful about how you desire to choose to fill today and your future days. While we so often are surprised by when the end comes for our loved ones, let it serve as a reminder that we can choose how to live the life we’ve been given today. 

This can empower us to live on purpose. Take time to notice this purpose and your intentions. Whether that means small steps toward a bigger goal, an overall shift in looking at life with more appreciation, or a commitment to giving yourself more grace and space to just be, you can make changes starting in this moment. 

Write down priorities to remind yourself what it is you want to pursue. Share these goals with those you can trust. This transparency can help bring you back to your priorities when the daily grind may invite us to veer off course. My prayer is that my aunts words and perhaps the lives of those you remember as well, prompt you to fill your days with a powerful yes to that deep purpose you desire to live out and share with the world around you.  

~MM

Christmas day has already come and gone on the calendar, and if you are like many of us your sights are now set on New Year’s, which often means setting big goals to be the best version of ourselves. Before we push the accelerator to cruise to more demands, however, I would like to invite you to resist that urge and instead just pause. Take a deep breath. Notice this moment and what you can take in to appreciate NOW.

This invitation to pause and notice the present helps to slow the reel of never-ending thoughts that come at us. Invite yourself to notice the life that is happening all around you.

We may even choose to go a step further and resist the typical flood of thoughts and instead invite thoughts of gratitude. Examples of what we may notice when we exercise gratitude are something as simple as a sunny day… a conversation with a close friend… a warm cup of coffee… or a good book. We can experience joy in ways that are unique to our giftedness and belovedness (so what brings you joy may not be the same as your neighbor of family member). There is not a right or wrong way, but simply noticing and releasing any judgment we may be tempted to attach to the noticing. This act of giving ourselves permission to lean into what we find enjoyable can help us be healthy and encourage contentment within us, which can have a big impact on the journey ahead. Today notice the beauty in life, as well as within you…

If you have the courage to try practicing the pause, you may be so impacted by this simple act of self-care that you find yourself drawn to creating time to do this over and over in your daily or weekly rhythms of life. This intentionality can begin to shape a more peaceful way of moving into the world. When you feel overloaded and overburdened, perhaps come back to this invitation to let off the accelerator, and instead take time to put on the brakes (practice the pause) and soak in the beauty of the present once more. The beauty of nature. The beauty of those around you. The beauty of you and how you were so wonderfully created.

~MM

Your task in this moment is to do nothing… Embrace the beauty of you… the beauty of this moment.

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Today’s blog post is by guest blogger, Kerry Koerselman. Kerry is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Sioux Falls Psychological in Sioux Falls, SD. She works with adults and couples and her areas of specialty include: relationship issues, midlife issues, trauma, spiritual issues as well as anxiety and depression. Kerry graduated from the University of South Dakota in 2001 with a Masters degree in counseling psychology and received a Graduate Certificate of Theological Studies from Sioux Falls Seminary in 2016.

I was at a gathering recently where everyone went around and talked about how they were raised to feel about joy.  It was interesting to hear that there were many different answers to this question.  Some people said there was no time for joy in their family—there was work to be done.  Some people said their family time was full of joy.  Others said joy almost seemed sinful unless it was in church or explicitly about God.  Another answer was that feelings were not discussed, not joyful feelings or other feelings.  These messages we learn about feelings from our families can be limiting.  Becoming aware of the messages you were given and then setting your intentions on what messages you would like to shift and what messages you would like to be like yours can make your life more fulfilling. 

At Christmas, the word “joy” is all around—in the Christmas Carols, on the decorations and in the cards.  When you read the story of the birth of Christ in the book of Luke, joy is woven throughout the story.  Joy at the pregnancy, joy in the angels singing, joy in the worship of the baby.  It seems that joy is integral to Christian experience. 

What would happen if you made stepping further into the moments of joy in your life a focus?  What if your personal joy became a goal?  Perhaps some activities would need to lessen and other would increase.  Maybe simply giving yourself permission to sit more fully in the joy is what you need.  It may take a conscious effort not to feel guilty, not to move on the next chore, not to move away from the intensity of the emotion, but just to sit with it and feel it.

 My guess is that if you look at your life and what truly brings you joy, it will be times of connection with people around you, with nature, or with becoming more fully you.  All of these connect us to that which is beyond us, that which is spiritual. 

At times in life the joy will be hard to come by, and when the joy comes, it will be held alongside sorrow.  Sometimes the joy is most powerful and poignant then.  At those times, keeping your heart open to joy is courageous. 

Moving toward joy is moving toward living life more fully. 

~KK